Mermaid

(no subject)

This is a story of a humorous and dramatic tableau; documenting one man's descent into madness! Well, it's about what happened on my birthday, a convoluted tale of drugs and idiocy.

(Names have been changed to protect identities.)

There is a man I'm going to be calling Karl. Karl, is a poor quality "drug dealer" who seems to manage to involve himself in an ever descending spiral of shit. I met him a year ago when Nyogtha played in Brighton, I didn't see him often and he fucked off back to London to do his thing. He came back last week and I said I'd go to this rave with him for my birthday; my mate Zach also decided to come along.

Now, Karl had started to infuriate me on a regular basis. Me being an idiot thought I could look past his flaws because he was having a rough time, but now I think that is just his personality. He talks about himself and his issues nigh on constantly whilst simultaneously dismissing anyone elses' emotionally difficult experiences. He talks incessantly about selling drugs, about how good he is at it and how much money he's going to make whilst simultaneously taking all the drugs he buys, not making any money whilst criticising the methods of other dealers. Goes on about how subtle he is and then talks about it loudly and incessantly in public. We're talking about the least self-aware person I have ever met. This man lives entirely on bad faith, has the concentration span of a newt and exists entirely up his own arse. I'm not saying he's just a bit silly, he introduced me to someone who was not too bright but incredibly likeable and had enthusiasm for carpentry and speakers built from car parts. He also liked gardening...you know what I'm saying? An awareness of the world outside of himself and an appreciation of the arts....this guy, Karl...has none of that. He literally cannot perceive anything outside his own self.

Anyway, cut to Friday...I meet Karl and Zach, Karl drags us along on his dealing mission. We finally get the train to meet Karl's friends in London- a disorganised throng of mad women who were incredibly likeable. I try calling the rave on their phoneline but we find out that the rave has been moved elsewhere but they don't know where yet. So, we wait and chill at one of the women's houses, who I shall name Judith and our heroine. Karl's presence is irritating as always, using Zach's phone to call randomers constantly. We take some MDMA at Karl's insistence and smoke a lot of weed. Waiting for this God damn party to happen. In a drugged up stupour we leave the house to Vauxhall to get to some party that Karl told us about....lo and behold! He can't get hold of the guy, we get off in Brixton. Karl immediately, chastises the taxi driver for dropping us off infront of a group of black guys outside of a takeaway infront of his black friends in the taxi....way to go! Invites me to sell my remaining MDMA to said group of black guys, to which I decline and realise we can't even go to any clubs in Brixton because Judith has a Nitrous cannister on her person. So, Karl invites us to his squat in Lewisham. By this point Zach has broken out into a sweat and his biting his nails...trying to find a way home out of the madness. But it's midnight and there are no trains back to Brighton.

So, we're on the bus to Lewisham when Karl sees one of his friends on the bus...our dramatic experience truly begins. She tells him that a bunch of people had been seen moving out of his squat...that due to changes in law it's much easier to kick squatters out of properties now. Karl starts getting stressed and tries to use his friend's and Zach's phones (again) to get hold of his fellow squatters to no avail. He then proceeds to talk about how allegedly, Lewisham is so dodgy he had to pull a knife out on someone and carries a long nail around with him. This obviously does not inspire confidence in Zach and I so we go to sit with kal's friend Judith and Anna. One of Judith's friends who was going to go to the same rave as us had texted her saying that she had bad vibes about the rave nd we were talking about hos eerie it was. karl starts to go mental, telling us that we're the one perpetuating bad vibes...Judith latches onto the fact that Karl doesn't even know if there is anyone left in his squat and he goes mental again, begging people to believe him that people are still there. Judith and Anna get off the bus so they don't have to continue to deal with his bullshit. Next stop, Zach and I run off the bus and down the road to find Judith with Karl following behind, screaming about how we're ditching him.
Obviously, due to his wretched personality and his need to brag about his participation in bait shit he's not allowed to come back with us. He calls Judith and Anna crazy and is going ballistic about the whole situation, I tell him that of course I fucking trust these women more than him and his idiotic ways of conducting his affairs! Finally, he fucks off and we grab a cab back to Judith's, eat fruit, smoke weed, do Noz and watch The Beach. With people who are manifoldly safer than that fuck head.

Next morning, Zach was getting phonecalls from random crackheads because of karl and one guy who says that karl keeps phoning him and he doesn't know why. But we meet Ed in London and head back to Brighton, I smoke weed and have sex with Ed all day...which is fucking awesome.

What have I learned? Never trust drug dealers, I'm content with the bum-philosopher-musician lifestyle (for now), only go to events with a pre-assigned venue and just because you sympathise with someone's position doesn't mean you need to be their friend.
Mermaid

Professional Domination: Not as fun as it sounds

I'm going to make this public, so that if any woman stumbles upon this she can get a more multifacted view of what it is like to dominate men for cash. The dominant narrative (how puntastic) is that Pro-Domination is fun, it's not like other sex work, infact it's not sex work at all!
I want to challenge this, I want to challenge it because my experience was profoundly different to this narrative. I know other people find it to be fun, I however...did not. It was nothing like playing with my partner because the satisfaction and fulfilment was just not there.

I want to believe I did it out of choice...I don't think I did. This semester of University was particularly long, meaning that I was quickly running out of money. Not through living a luxury lifestyle of drunken debauchary as the media would have you see student life; it was the expense of the electricity meter, bus fare, food etc
Due to the death of my mother last year, my family is also struggling to keep afloat...so...I had nowhere to turn to. No job, no time to look for a job (they push us HARD! and I push myself harder), coupled with how disgustingly difficult it is to find employment; my material conditions where as such...I could only fall back on one skill-the fact that I am damn good at domination.

So, I posted an ad on Craigslist offering my services in exchange for cash then let the emails roll in.

I only recieved emails from men, I also recieved so many photographs of penises, I can assure you that I could have printed them all out and made a cock collage and hung it in the Tate Modern. Most of these emails consisted of wanting "pussy worship" or "arse worship"...which is just fancy language for licking my vagina or arsehole. Which I told them outright I would not do but, because they're giving me cash they did their very best to coerce me and keep pushing for it. This alone completely reinforces for me, the notion that this "power exchange" is complete and utter fantasy. These men are still within the social context of patriarchy...they do not respect me more just because they play at being submissive. To them I am a fetish dispensary machine that they just feed as little money as they possibly can into to get as much as they want. If the cash doesn't work, emotional manipulation is their fall back.
They do not give a shit about my comfort or my limits, everything is geared towards them. Their privacy, their limits, their fantasies...I was just a different kind of vessel. Even when I outright stated that they are not entitled to my body, to them it meant nothing...it just meant pushing that little bit harder hoping that I'd give in.
These men don't give one shit about "power exchange"; like in every other situation...they hoarde the power in their overinflated sense of entitlement and as a woman, my power is reduced to the ability I have to give them their sexual kicks.
I was not "empowered" for one second, I was just given a means to eat and get to Uni another day.

What surprised me the most was just how emotionally draining it was. The surface appearance is that they're submissive and service the "dominant" partner during play. This is not the case, I was the service provider and I provided them with pleasure. I did not fancy any of them but every single time, I had to summon up the emotional energy to pretend that I was enjoying dominating them. I was being paid to embody this fantasy woman, tailored specifically to their tastes...I had to pretend that I wanted to dominate them. Which sounds easy but it isn't. I find it quite hard to articulate but I will attempt to do so because it's important.
I think what is inherent to the exchange of money for sexual services, is that by it's very nature...it is exploitation. I would not have dominated any of these men by choice. I had to sublimate my very self and act the role of dominatrix; I had to detach myself from my own needs and desires, whilst at the same time channeling all of my emotional energy into the man...in those moments I made an object of myself, an object that channels energy from it's own life source. The money doesn't bring that emotional energy back, being told I'm "beautiful" or "sexy" doesn't either. The emotional energy is still depleted, he has had his release through siphoning the energies from me. He's happy...I am not happy and I still have fuck all. That's the crux of it, I didn't want any emotion from them; they paid and I made them pay specifically for the emotional detatchment..I am a fantasy, I am not human to them or to myself. Yet, in the same moment...any sexual play without love, acknowledgment of a shared humanity and mutual pleasure is nothing. It means nothing and it feels like a void.
This was the objectification and dehumanisation of my very being, seeing myself through an alien, male gaze. I was being for an other, not being-in-and-for-itself; it was hideous and is not conducive to fulfilment or empowerment.

The last man I dominated before I came back home to recover from life, wanted to relieve himself infront of me. I joked that I would watch on in disgust, I lit my cigarrette and looked on. I don't know if he knew that my disgust was real.
  • Current Music
    Lamp of The Universe - Lotus of a Thousand Petals
Mermaid

In less ranty news!

*takes deep breath*

Okay, haha! In other news...What has Tanith been doing?

MUSIC!!!!!! ALL OF THE MUSIC!!! LOSING MONEY TO MUSIC!!!

Now that University is out, I have to keep my mind on "intellectual"/"artistic" pursuits; lest my brain turn to goo!
A Void in Coma played on the 20th of July, I came back to reading two weeks beforehand.
Though I will say, carrying all of my effects pedals and guitar back and forth between Swerve's house in the searing! burning! SUN! Was not so good. The night of the gig went incredibly well though, especially considering that Swerve and I hadn't practiced together for 9 months and Gretchen only had 2 weeks to write and learn the bass parts to our new song. This particular song I had sat down, locked myself in my room and spent 3 days completely rewriting before I came back to Reading!!! So the efforts definitely paid off. All of the free demos we made went to homes....even though we could only afford to make 20. Haha! I can't even express how incredibly poor I am right now, but it just goes to show how determination and tenacity can earn fruits now matter how poor you are!!!
Plus, I got to use the words, "A primal obsession with the cosmos.." on the art work for the demo, haha!

There are also projects and magical things underway. Nyogtha shall be recording our new album in mid-August...making this our 4th release in the 6 years we've been going. Just need to finalise all the niggly bits and bobs. If I put in the work...I can get a new logo (Edward is insisting on a new logo because he's starting to hate our old one), art work and lyrics done before its release. I think this one will be getting pressed...so...we'll ACTUALLY! have a proper CD!

I've also been writing beats! For a Trip-Hop/Dub/Doom/Noise project with Simon and Edward. That drum machine was a pain in the arse to learn how to use. But...after many hours and a lot of coffee. I worked it out! I've never done this before so it might be complete shit. But, I want to call it, "Your Father Built His Empire Upon My Mother's Body". I'll be basing it around a more political theme than I usually go for; about the idea of the colonised mind and the brutality of colonialism and how to an extent, I believe that colonialism still exists in attitudes towards Race and Gender. OOOOHHH!

So, lots of work for Tanith. Even if it is technically frivolous and not actually work...but...whatever!
  • Current Mood
    busy busy
Mermaid

Unimpressive

I haven't posted in what seems like a very long time...allow me to begin my barrage of Radical Feminist ranting!

First, good news. Women's groups have finally gained leverage in their campaign for Lad's Mags to be covered in "modesty bags" when sold in Supermarkets. This campaign has been going on for a few years and it's finally beginning to take effect!

Here is a link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23486027

Exciting, no?

Obviously, I'd prefer to see a world where this kind of misogynistic filth doesn't exist, but it's a step forward. I would also like to stress that I want to see it done through a change in social consciousness NOT! through censorship and legislation.

I however, would like to respond to comments on this article; ones such as...

"Covering up women to "protect" them - are you people sure about the logic of this? The next logical step is that if women should be covered up in photographs, they should also be covered in real life (hard to argue with that). Do you know where this might lead? Not feminism, I think. Maybe this needs a bit more thought, eh?"


Funny how men only give a shit about women's bodily autonomy and choices when it impinges on their ability to wank over and use women's bodies. If any man thinks that a woman can express their bodily autonomy and choices within the framework of our sick, patriarchal society...then they honestly need to wake the fuck up.
If men think that a woman's bodily autonomy is best expressed by seeking mens' judgement and approval, through putting their bodies on display to be objectified and systematically dehumanised....then these men are sick.
If they think a woman's sexual autonomy is accounted for when placed through the male gaze (and all women are taught to judge themselves through the male gaze) that this sexual autonomy is autonomy at all when it is culturally constructed to appease the desire of men whilst women are completely stripped of their own. Then women are doomed.

All of this stupid, liberal discourse centered around this notion of "free choice" is absolutely problematic when it can not account for the fact that all of our choices are constructed in accordance to the ideology of a culture. Nothing is as clear cut as an individual making free choices when no one questions...how do we make these choices? Is the will completely free?
Liberalism is absolutely philosophically defunct when you start to question it and pull it apart.

As I said, I am no fan of censorship but men still have access to the content of these magazines and all constituent parts. If they care so much about women and girls, then they would completely object to a young girl or boy viewing these images and constructing her/his idea of "femininity" around such violent content, when just doing something as simple as going to the fucking shop!!! And all of our identities are constructed from a framework in existence before the existence of our selves. Otherwise, how do we come into being? None of this shit just pops out of nowhere. I refuse arguments from Biology or "Nature" because our observations and perceptions are always shaped by the culture we grew up in, nothing is as clear cut as "It's your genes" and I am fed up of simple scientism that does not take the humanities into account.

All of this shit absolutely pisses me off!!!! It feels like I'm living in one, massive insane asylum sometimes.
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    aggravated aggravated
Mermaid

Ma-ma-ma-music!

Nyogtha played our first gig of the year last night, it was so much fun! If incredibly fucking tiring.

We played an all day event and basically stayed from about 3pm-1am...getting up and getting my amp out of the car and up/down 4 flights of stairs to my flat was definitely not the one, man. My palms are raw from lifting and carrying bloody amps, guitars and pedals around mazes of steps!!! I am so glad that we don't have a drummer, lol!

I say this because I'm tired and achey, the actual event was incredible!

We're talking the complete culmination of ridiculously weird bands that no one else will put on. Making Nyogtha the perfect candidate! We got a really, REALLY! Good reception from the crowd, which was awesome.
Everyone in that place was a serious fucking lunatic, but ever so friendly as well. Friendly enough that I got high just by sitting out in the smoking area and talking to people!
My new amp also passed the first gig test! It definitely maintains a shit load of clarity that was not happening with the last one. So, I'd say that was inheritance well spent. (Thank you Nanny Caversham for thinking of me.) It was sad replacing my old amp but, these things occur.

I'd been having some difficulties as of late with money and all that, so it was really refreshing to have a fun weekend with Edward and play loud. I have a feeling that these 3 years in Brighton will be the hardest but most fun years of my life.

Back to the grind tomorrow!
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful
Mermaid

Plato and Aristotle...

Yes, Plato and Aristotle, my arch nemesis in my Philosophical pursuits.

They're both bastards.

Lecturers and Academics alike laud over and worship Plato's "method", even though his dialogues contain no actual argument. They're just Plato basically arguing with himself. Of course his character "Socrates" is going to win the debate. I'm not a fan of dialogues as a method in Philosophy, as first of all, you can not foresee completely the nature of your opposition. You're bound to your own perceptions, that's the human condition. So the idea of writing a dialogue by yourself seems completely absurd to me. Maybe I'm just a intellectual heathen who can't fully appreciate the "depth" and "majesty" of his works!!!

Secondly, both of them are guilty of using the most Godawful oppressive language; naturalising this obscene, chauvinistic view of the world. I actually feel oppressed when I'm reading it.

"Silence is a woman's glory"

Seriously!??!!!?

Not to mention arguments that naturalise slavery and inequality, like they're conditions of "the soul". Rather than social or cultural conditions.

I want to cast their works into the flames! I hope I never have to study either of these "philosophers" again because they do my fucking nut in.

  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated
Mermaid

Poppy Burning

It has come to my attention and the attention of many, I presume, that a 19-year old man has been arrested for posting a picture of burning a poppy on Facebook.
Many are disgusted by the act of burning the poppy, I am disgusted that in England a man has been arrested for this expression.

It infringes on the basic right for a person to criticise traditions, cultures, institutions and the various structures that are perpetuated and created by society. We can not silence this right, as it is key to the progression of society. We must constantly question what we do and how we think, to not only prevent stagnation but to preserve the freedom of the individual and their autonomy.
Especially as offense does not cause harm to the individual or society as a whole. I think a better response would be to start a dialogue on WHY we found the act of poppy burning offensive. Instead we decided to resolve the issue by silencing this man. This is extremely reactionary and does not allow us to confront ourselves as a society, in fact, I think this speaks volumes about society's reluctance to question itself.
It's also disheartening in the sense that in allowing this man to be silenced, we have condoned all of us to be silenced by authority. Instead of engaging our critical thinking and seeing it as an opportunity to really understand our tradition and attitudes.

Bad times, man. Bad times.
  • Current Mood
    pessimistic Unimpressed
Mermaid

(no subject)

It's unfortunate, I had something very cool to write about the other day but it's completely slipped my mind. One day, I'll remember what it is but for now! I will enjoy my Drone induced headache, courtesy of Black Boned Angel. Whoever those guys are, they are geniuses!

My journal has been a mess of emotional bollocks recently; hence my disappointment in forgetting the awesome thing I was going to write, the sweet shame! However, I have seemed to have slipped back into a pleasant mindstate and I am not hurting from my break up anymore. Well, not in any considerable manner if I'm not thinking about it. It's definitely been helped by mine and Edward's philosophical back and forths, dealing in the logical course of thinking I should take. Also discovering the magic of Stoic philosophy, not reacting to situations immediately with an emotion but distancing your self from that situation and thinking logically.
Logically, it is quite frankly, poor! I think it's important to maintain that whilst it is poor, everything in life is transitionary and you must accept it and roll with it or be dragged down by it. And in the grand scheme of the Universe, it just is.
Some nice bleak thoughts for you all, hahaha!!!

Mr Edward (my Sensei *bows*) has been very good through all of this, without him it'd have been a lot harder and I must confess that when I leave for Brighton, I think that I will miss him most of all. I told him this on the way back home from our gig on Saturday in the van, he said he was touched and we had a small silent moment. 
It's strange when you consider that 4 and a half years ago when we first met, we were bastards to eachother. We were both like "Who is this person!? What are they about!? God damn it! I don't understand you!!!" But now he's my best friend in the entire world, totally on a level, there's some deep love there. And that's the power of Doom, people!

Shit! I just remembered what I was going to write about. Next time, the importance of Street Art!
  • Current Music
    Creeping Barrage - Black Boned Angel
Mermaid

Three different emotions.

Luckily for me, my emotions have gotten far more complicated.

Stanley has left me for reasons best known to himself and God damn it! I need answers. Hopefully, I'll get them tomorrow because I am going mad.

First emotion...

The Buddhist part of me is telling me to just let it go. That human emotions are subject to transition and change, there is nothing I can do, so fuck it. That if his happiness requires us to not be in a relationship then I should just be cool with it, if you love someone you want them to be happy right?
Hanging onto all this negativity will just continue to make me unhappy, he's a really nice guy and was probably just doing what he thought was best.

Then I just get upset...

He is a really nice guy, I'm not scared of being alone by any means because I'm hilarious, have cool hair and make a fine curry.
But I just want him. He loved all my wierdnessess whereas others have put me down for it. He has a beautiful spirit and warmth, we were comfortable together and laughed together. There was a physical distance but we had a connection, man.

Then I get pissed off...

How could he just throw all of that away? He didn't even talk to me about any worries he had and just made decisions without even fucking consulting me. Even though it involves me and my fucking emotions!!!!

Rinse and repeat.

I can't sleep, I can barely eat, all these questions and words are just flying around my brain and nothing makes any sense. I don't know what to do, I'll be cool, then I'll get pissed off and upset and then cry for an hour.

This...is not cool. Tomorrow better yield satisfactory answers or I will attempt to shoot myself off into space and then live out the rest of my days there.

I know I can't do that but believe me, I really feel like doing that.
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    crushed crushed
Mermaid

Sadness

I apologise for the INTENSE! Amounts of faggotry about to follow but...I need to let it loose.

I am overcome by a strange sadness this evening. Chris has found himself a young lady who is interested in him, as his wingman, I let her know that he liked her, so as you can see, feelings of jealousy don't come into it at all. Jealousy as far as relationships are concerned have pretty much disappeared after years of being in an open relationship...no...this feeling is much stranger and less simple than pure envy.

This feeling is of four years I spent yearning deeply for this boy and it being fruitless. Being locked in a long, tormented limbo and now I'm free...but the irrational part of me wants to be back in that place. Where I held him close for hours, breathing in the smell of his hair and relished in the romance of unrequited love. I was in love with the act of adoring a boy who saw me as a mother and as a whore but not as his partner. It was so fucked up but he is so beautiful I couldn't help but pander to him. Any chance to experience his flesh on mine, and it burned so deliciously to lose myself in him.

Now, that is over. It is nothing but irrational, it is nothing but ashes, the lust and the aching have ceased inside of me...it is just hollow.
It is just biological process we call attraction, his touch no longer smoulders on my skin.
There was no end, it just slowly faded away and the countless nights I cried mean nothing now. I feel lost, I can feel that hollow place in my chest and I have never mourned this way before. It's like I have spent four years dreaming of a tempestuous storm then woken up to see that the ocean is serene and quiet. 
I mourn the loss of our personal limbo, yet rejoice in his new found freedom. I am just so fucking tired from all of this.

It doesn't help that I also recently lost Gretchen, the most wild and beautiful creature I had ever seen. Yet, she couldn't see my worth beyond romanticising my obsession with suicide. I was no longer a concept she could gaze upon and experience its misery like a breathing painting, I became too human for her. So, I was cast aside after five years.

There is nothing to do now but cultivate my relationship with Stanley, where I am no longer part of the mother/whore game, agonising over how much I want him. Where the romance lies in listening to the rain while he strokes my hair; savouring the taste of each kiss. Where we are both just human, experiencing the small joys of consciousness and love together.
What we have is rational, it isn't a symptom of the overblown romanticism of being broken hearted or the destructive pleasures of melancholy and loving based purely on beauty and concepts.

We love eachother just as we are. 


It reminds me of when my Grandad (bless his heart) was drunk one night and pointed towards a painting on the wall of a huge, cascading landscape. Through the middle ran a dirt path with two people, ever so small in the distance, walking together. He said to me, smiling "do you know what this painting is of?" I replied in the negative. He continued "It's of two people together, experiencing the long, path of life"
As a bulshy teenager, I dismissed this sentiment but now I see. When you love someone, you should love them for who they are. Don't love the concepts and symbols you attach to them and expect them to remain as they are now, to never change even if it is to their detriment. Don't cling with white knuckles to moments and memories, they don't exist now. Accept them for what they are and create new ones together.
Experience and embrace changes, enjoy life together, support eachother when the path gets rough. Love them enough to let them be free.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted